(And How to Ease the Burden)

Grief is already one of the heaviest burdens a heart can carry, yet so often, we unknowingly add even more suffering to our pain. While grief itself is a natural response to loss, suffering often comes from the stories we tell ourselves, the expectations we place on our healing, and the way we judge our own process.

If you’ve lost a child, your grief is deep, raw, and all-encompassing. But in the midst of that pain, it’s possible to ease some of the unnecessary suffering we create. Here’s how you might be unintentionally adding suffering to your grief—and what you can do to lighten the load.

1. Holding Unrealistic Expectations for Healing

It’s easy to compare your grief journey to someone else’s, wondering if you’re grieving too much or too little. The pressure to “move on” or “get back to normal” can create a sense of failure or frustration when grief doesn’t follow a linear path.

What to Do Instead: Give yourself permission to grieve in your own time. Healing is not about erasing grief but learning how to carry it in a way that allows for moments of peace and even joy. Remind yourself that progress is not measured by the absence of sadness but by your ability to coexist with it.

2. Suppressing or Avoiding Grief

Sometimes, we try to numb the pain by staying busy, avoiding memories, or refusing to talk about our loss. While this may provide temporary relief, unresolved grief often resurfaces in unexpected ways, leading to emotional exhaustion, anxiety, or even physical health issues.

What to Do Instead: Make space for your grief. Set aside time to journal, talk with a trusted friend, or engage in rituals that honor your child’s memory. Allowing grief to be felt in small, manageable doses can prevent it from overwhelming you all at once.

3. Believing Your Grief Should Look a Certain Way

Some people feel intense sadness, others feel numb. Some cry every day, others struggle to shed a tear. There is no “right” way to grieve, yet we often judge ourselves harshly when our grief doesn’t match our expectations.

What to Do Instead: Release any notion of how grief “should” look. If you are moving through your days in whatever way you can, you are grieving correctly. Your experience is valid, no matter how different it may seem from others’.

4. Feeling Guilt Over Moments of Joy

It’s common to feel guilty for smiling, laughing, or experiencing happiness after losing a child. You may wonder if it means you’re forgetting them or that your love for them is fading.

What to Do Instead: Recognize that joy and grief can coexist. Experiencing happiness does not diminish your love or the depth of your loss—it simply means you are allowing yourself to live while carrying your child’s memory with you. Give yourself permission to embrace joy when it arises, and hold on to those little moments with everything you have until the next one.

5. Not Seeking Support

Grief can feel isolating, and many grieving parents withdraw from friends and family, fearing they won’t understand or that their pain is too much to share. However, going through grief alone can make it even heavier to bear.

What to Do Instead: Find a community that understands your pain. Whether it’s through a support group, therapy, or a grief-focused coaching program, connection with others who “get it” can make all the difference. Surround yourself with those who can hold space for both your grief and your hope. I am huge advocate of anything that is helpful and or all the above.

6. Judging Our Own Feelings

We may tell ourselves, “I shouldn’t be this sad” or “I should be handling this better.” When we judge our emotions, we create an inner conflict that makes grief even more exhausting.

As David Kessler puts it “Don’t should yourself”.

Tip: Allow your feelings to exist without judgment. Give yourself permission to feel everything without labeling emotions as “good” or “bad.” Remember our feelings are like toddlers, if we let them drive the car we are going straight into the ditch. We need them they are important indicators of what is happening on a deeper level, but the proper place for them is in the backseat with the seat belt on. You know they are there, you acknowledge them but you are still driving the car.

7. Comparing Our Grief to Others

It’s easy to look at others who have experienced similar losses and wonder why they seem to be doing “better” than we are. Comparison often leads to feelings of inadequacy or isolation. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Tip: Remember that every grief journey is unique. Focus on what you need rather than measuring your healing against someone else’s.

A Path Forward: Holistic Grief Academy For Mother’s

If you’re struggling to navigate life after loss, know that you don’t have to do it alone. Inside Holistic Grief Academy, we provide a supportive space for grieving mothers to heal, rediscover joy, and build daily habits that foster both remembrance and renewal. Through group coaching, daily healing practices, and a community that truly understands, we help you find a way forward—without leaving your child behind.

If you’re ready to take that first step toward healing, we’d love to walk alongside you. Click the link below to learn more or schedule a free connection call.

https://holisticgriefacademy.myflodesk.com/prei7fpydj

Grief will always be a part of your story, but additional suffering doesn’t have to be. You deserve love, support, and hope as you move forward in a way that honors both your loss and your life.

With Big Love + Hope,

Shauna XO